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<\/figure>\n\n\n\nSure, it\u2019s hard to find a child that\u2019s excited about back to school. Certainly there are some who are happy about seeing friends again, and some who see a new grade level as a rite of passage, but when you get down to it, most would pick a summer without homework over early morning bus rides and math class. But for so many kids, their raw emotions go well beyond back-to-school blues, and their panic-stricken faces have nothing to do with math. They\u2019re dealing with separation anxiety.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Furthermore, the kids aren\u2019t the only ones panicking! Caregivers, too, scrabble to find the right words, the right thing to say<\/a> or do to ease their child\u2019s fears. It\u2019s not easy to know how to fix it. But there are some approaches that are more helpful than others, and there are also some things you may have been doing that are less helpful than you think.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The first thing to know is that separation anxiety in children is normal. Like other forms of anxiety, it served a very useful evolutionary function: it kept kids close to those who would protect them against the very real dangers of a prehistoric world. And it continues to protect them from threats today. Kids\u2019 brains are naturally programmed to fear distance from their parents. And parents, you, too, are wired to feel anxious when your babies aren\u2019t close, when they\u2019re out-of-site and under someone else\u2019s supervision. The object is to recognize when there are no real dangers, and to know when to let go of the anxiety, not eliminate it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Of course, there are some more severe cases when a child experiences abnormal levels of separation anxiety. If the anxiety interferes with friendships, results in sustained physical illness, if the child refuses to go to school, or if the anxieties are no longer age-appropriate, a doctor may diagnose separation anxiety disorder and cultivate a treatment plan.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But here\u2019s the good news: normal levels of separation anxiety are much more common and can be managed at home with a little planning and patience.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Let\u2019s face it: these tools are just as much about helping you as they are about helping your child. It hurts to see them sad, and nothing makes you feel worse as a parent than walking away from your baby when he or she is in tears. You instinct is to fix quickly and comfort. However, if you focus on a plan to help them get stronger and more resilient<\/a>, as opposed to \u201cfixing\u201d their fear, you\u2019ll both feel better in the long run.<\/p>\n\n\n\n DO<\/strong> start talking about what\u2019s about to happen before it happens. Make a plan. Is it the first day of school that has them worried? Start talking about it a week before, including details about how you\u2019ll pick them up again<\/strong> at the end of the day. Start a countdown calendar to give them perspective on when school actually starts. Has it already started? Talk about each upcoming day during bedtime the night before. Help them prepare their backpacks, pick out an outfit, select their lunch items, all in advance. See where this is going? The fewer surprises, the better.<\/p>\n\n\n\n DON\u2019T<\/strong> introduce the idea of worry or fear if they\u2019re not showing any signs of those emotions. Maybe they\u2019re just fine marching into the school. If they are, try not to say things like \u201care you nervous about your first day?\u201d or \u201cyou\u2019re so brave to go off on your own!\u201d If they didn\u2019t think they should be nervous before, they\u2019re to start wondering about the reasons they should be.<\/p>\n\n\n\n DO<\/strong> show them their school environments before they need to go on their own. Is there a playground outside for recesses? Bring them there to play some evening. Is there an open house or a meet the teacher night? Take advantage so you can walk into the building with them and help them get familiar. \u201cLook here\u2019s the locker where you can keep your coat,\u201d or \u201cit looks like the bathroom is right down this hallway, and the sinks are just your size.\u201d Meeting the school staff and seeing their space can help with your anxiety<\/a>, too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n DON\u2019T<\/strong> go overboard. Set a healthy limit for the amount of hand-holding your child can expect from you. Perhaps you introduce him or her to the new teacher or caregiver, but you encourage the child to walk up and say goodbye on their own. Once you\u2019ve shown them their locker, ask them to remind you where it was. By pulling back just enough in the right places, you\u2019re teaching them that they\u2019re capable of short bursts of independence. You may need to remind them of those victories later.<\/p>\n\n\n\n DO<\/strong> create a goodbye routine and stick to it. You can do this in advance, also. Maybe it\u2019s a secret handshake. Maybe it\u2019s a kiss on the cheek that you assure them will stay there all day. Maybe you give them a coin or a small stuffie that they can give back to you when you pick them up. Whatever routine you decide on, the most important thing is to leave when it\u2019s done, and not get baited into staying longer, or doing the routine again, or giving one last hug. Set the expectation that goodbye means goodbye \u2026 until you see them after school.<\/p>\n\n\n\n DON\u2019T<\/strong> linger too long. Perhaps we just made this point, but it\u2019s worth emphasizing. Nobody doubts the pain of walking away from your child if he or she is upset and scared. But they\u2019re smart, and if you linger, they\u2019ll learn quickly that their tears mean you won\u2019t leave. Nobody is suggesting that the tears aren\u2019t genuine; they really are upset, and that\u2019s perfectly normal. That said, if they have an option between clinging to you, or learning their own skills of independence and resilience, they\u2019ll likely choose you \u2026 and they\u2019ll know the tears will keep you there.<\/p>\n\n\n\n DO<\/strong> your best to appear calm and in control of your own emotions. Even if your heart is burning inside. Even if this is your youngest baby and she\u2019s going off to school and next thing you know she\u2019ll be moving out and you just can\u2019t help but be sad. Try to keep it all on the inside. Put on a brave face and show your child that everything is under control. Hiding emotions from kids isn\u2019t always a best practice, but remember, this is about helping them feel secure without you. They don\u2019t want to leave you while you\u2019re crying any more than you want to leave them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n DON\u2019T<\/strong> sneak out when they\u2019re not looking. I know the temptation is there; \u201che\u2019s not crying now and his back is turned and if I just slip out now we can avoid tears.\u201d Seems logical enough. Until you remember that this is about building long-term resilience, and not about short-term avoidance. Once they figure out you\u2019ve snuck out on them, they\u2019ll go into the next day with less trust and more fear.<\/p>\n\n\n\n DO<\/strong> help them feel comfortable with their emotions. Again, some level of separation anxiety is very normal. Tell them it\u2019s natural. Explain to them how some fear can keep them safe from danger. Then, reassure them that they WILL be safe and you\u2019ll return for them, all without belittling their fears. \u201cI understand you\u2019re worried and that\u2019s okay. But I promise that I\u2019ll be there when school ends, just like I\u2019m here when you wake up every morning.\u201d There are some great children’s books on the subject also. Reading a book like The Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn is a great way for your child to connect a character\u2019s emotions to their own, normalizing the experience for them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n DON\u2019T<\/strong> lure them with rewards or threaten them with consequences. \u201cIf you stop crying and get through your day, I\u2019ll buy you ice cream,\u201d or \u201cif you don\u2019t go in there, then no TV for you tonight,\u201d may seem like reasonable strategies, but rewards and consequences are tools for dealing with behavior, and separation anxiety isn\u2019t a behavior. It\u2019s a natural, instinctual reaction that they will learn to control with help and support.<\/p>\n\n\n\n DO<\/strong> give them calming language and logic to talk to their own brains. \u201cLet\u2019s take a breath together. I know you feel afraid right now. That\u2019s normal. Your brain is telling you to be afraid. Remember how we talked about anxiety? Let\u2019s look around together. Do you see anything to fear? Does anything look dangerous to you right now? I see your teacher and we know he\u2019s nice because we met him. I see other children your age, and some of them are playing games. Can you point and show me any danger? Is it possible your brain is tricking you into thinking there is danger when there is really not? Let\u2019s take one more breath together, and then we\u2019ll be ready to do our secret handshake, and I\u2019ll see you again in this same spot when school is done.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Crying children clinging desperately to legs, arms, and necks. Parents trying to console young ones while fighting back their own tears. Cadets trying to keep order. Bells sounding. Panic. Screams. While these words could describe some rare, chaotic scene, they also describe the normal start of every school day for many families around the world. … Read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6198,"featured_media":90418,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[135,531],"tags":[57],"class_list":["post-90015","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-gozen-anxiety-relief","category-parents","tag-separation-anxiety-2","no-featured-image-padding"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/gozen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/90015","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/gozen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/gozen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gozen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/6198"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gozen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=90015"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/gozen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/90015\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gozen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/90418"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/gozen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=90015"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gozen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=90015"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gozen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=90015"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}What is separation anxiety?<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Enough already \u2026 what can I do?!?<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Dos and Don’ts<\/h3>\n\n\n\n