![\"\"](\"https:\/\/gozen.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/11\/swc00b.jpg\")
<\/a><\/p>\nEvery time we\u2019re about to leave the house, something like this happens:<\/p>\n
ME:<\/strong> Coat on, please. This year, I\u2019ve decided things are going to be different. They HAVE to be different. I\u2019ve recognized that I have what is called a Strong-Willed Child (SWC). In fact, I seem to have two of them. Of course, subconsciously I\u2019ve known this since they were born; now, though, I\u2019ve researched the latest techniques to help us live in harmony rather than head-to-head.<\/p>\n How do I know I have a Strong-Willed Child? If you\u2019ve got one, you\u2019ll know it! Here are a few easy to recognize signs:<\/p>\n 1. \u201cNot like that! Like THIS!\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n Sound familiar? Strong-willed kids have very<\/em> strong opinions about how things \u201cshould\u201d be. They\u2019re not afraid to share them and can be bossy with everyone and anyone, adult, child or object! This very rigid sense of what is \u201cright\u201d and \u201cwrong\u201d can lead to extreme angry outbursts if the world doesn\u2019t conform to how they think it should<\/em> be. They\u2019ll persist until what\u2019s \u201cwrong\u201d is \u201crighted\u201d and often want to do so independently, without any interfering parent trying to \u201chelp them.\u201d<\/p>\n 2. \u201cNo. Don\u2019t want to. You can\u2019t make me.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n Please refer to the \u201cCoat Battle\u201d above. A strong-willed kid will refuse to do something they don\u2019t want to do, no matter if you rationalize, beg, bribe or shout. They\u2019ll determinedly stick to their guns whatever the consequences. My kids have recently adopted the charming phrase \u201cwhatever\u201d – a true patience-tester!<\/p>\n 3. \u201cBut I WANT it!\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n Their determination expresses itself in an entirely opposite way if an SWC thinks they deserve to do or have something. Whether it\u2019s munching on a candy-bar just before bed or winning the prize during pass-the-parcel, there\u2019s no difference between \u201cneed\u201d and \u201cwant\u201d in their minds. \u201cWant\u201d must lead to \u201cget\u201d… or else.<\/p>\n 4. \u201cBut, why?\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n Everything needs to have a reason. Strong-willed kids are inquisitive and analytical. They\u2019re also able to quickly think of their own<\/em> reasons as to \u201cwhy\u201d your <\/em>reasons are inadequate! I\u2019ve so often found myself desperately blurting \u201cbecause I say so!\u201d when my clever kid out-rationalizes me! These kids are expert debaters and negotiators.<\/p>\n 5. \u201cCome onnnnn<\/em>!\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n Once they\u2019ve decided that something has to happen, Strong-Willed Children want it to happen NOW! They can suddenly explode with a huge amount of energy. But, if they\u2019re not<\/em> interested in doing something, they\u2019ll transform into a sloth and creep at a pace so slow it is almost undetectable by the human eye. Once they zone in on a particular task, changing their focus is pretty-much impossible. SWCs commit in a big way.<\/p>\n These five characteristics can make our Little Leaders pretty tricky to parent (and by \u201cpretty,\u201d I mean exhaustingly, frustratingly, hair-pull-outingly, why-oh-why won\u2019t you just do it-ingly!), but learning to channel their will rather than break their spirit<\/strong> will definitely be worth-while in the long-run. Extensive scientific research<\/a> has shown that Strong-Willed Children are the ones who are going somewhere.<\/p>\n These are the kids who are going to make a real difference to the world. <\/strong>Why? Because of all those positive qualities hidden within the descriptions above \u2013 determination, integrity, inquisitiveness, passion, energy, persistence, commitment, independence and a strong sense of what\u2019s right and wrong.<\/p>\n How can we encourage these brilliant attributes whilst also helping our kids to learn to co-operate and work with<\/em> rather than against<\/em> others?<\/p>\n Here are some ideas:<\/p>\n 1. You are not always right! Adjusting our own attitude and expectations.<\/strong><\/p>\n I once very seriously hollered that unless my child ate 5 more peas she would never, ever have any fun again ever – a very proud parenting moment. Well done, me. Do you sometimes find yourself involved in a deadly serious battle with your SWC, sticking to your guns as if your life depended on it and then wondering afterwards what the big deal was? Remind you of someone a little smaller than you? Yep, you\u2019re a SWP \u2013 a Strong-Willed Parent!<\/p>\n I find myself almost daily fighting a fight just because I want to prove that I\u2019m<\/em> in charge. I\u2019m <\/em>the grown-up. I<\/em> know best. My child should<\/em> respect me and do what I say no matter what. But how is my child going to learn to co-operate if their principal influence, their parents, aren\u2019t willing to co-operate either? Giving up on the idea that we<\/em> are the automatic authority takes us out of our comfort-zone\u2026 and leads us towards a different, more harmonious way of parenting. Give yourself a break; relinquishing the need to always be right and always mightier than your child is actually a big relief. I try to take a pause and remember with compassion that my child is just like me<\/em> <\/strong>before engaging my weapons. It\u2019s not easy; I don\u2019t always manage it, but it\u2019s worth it when I do.<\/p>\n 2. Listen and Learn – Respecting your child\u2019s opinion <\/strong><\/p>\n So often it feels like your child\u2019s opposing you just for the sake of it. Their refusal to comply often feels like a personal insult. When my daughter refused to put on her PJs, I assumed she was just being \u201cdifficult.\u201d After another fight, I eventually discovered that a girl on a sleep-over had teased her that PJs were \u201cjust for boys.\u201d Our kids do<\/em> often have valid reasons for either refusing or insisting on doing something. Your child\u2019s strong will is partly born of integrity. Their reasons are important to them. If you can respect and acknowledge your child\u2019s perspective, they\u2019ll be much more likely to trust and respect you back.<\/p>\n Try introducing a topic by using statements rather than commands<\/strong>. This can help your child to explore for herself why she might be behaving a certain way as well as lead to a conversation about what the solutions might be.<\/p>\n Saying \u201cI can see that you haven\u2019t done your homework yet\u201d raises the topic gently, in a non-confrontational way gently rather than simply commanding \u201cDo your homework.\u201d<\/p>\n Then, it seems obvious, but calmly listen<\/strong> to what your child\u2019s trying to tell you and then validate it by repeating it back to them<\/strong>. It might feel a bit weird at first, but you\u2019ll grow into the habit.<\/p>\n SWC:<\/strong> I don\u2019t want to do my homework. And now you know why the homework is being avoided, you can move on to approaching that challenge together\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n 3. Ask for their help! Recruiting your Strong-Willed Child to your cause <\/strong><\/p>\n Use your child\u2019s positive qualities to help solve problems together. They\u2019re determined, passionate, inquisitive, and analytical. Help them to help you help each other! Rather than locking horns, see challenges as something you can solve together.<\/p>\n After you\u2019ve made a statement about what you\u2019ve seen, you can ask questions<\/strong>. This helps to empower your child more than giving advice. Advice can often sound like a command and spark your child\u2019s conflict fuse again. Asking questions helps them to use their own<\/em> tools to figure out a solution themselves.<\/p>\n For example, \u201cYou find math hard. Can you show me which part?\u201d<\/p>\n Or \u201cToday you shouted at your friend when they took your toy. I wonder what we could do next time instead?\u201d<\/p>\n Or \u201cevery evening we brush our teeth, go to the bathroom and wash our face. You\u2019ve already brushed your teeth. Great job! What else is there still to do?\u201d<\/p>\n Asking questions helps you to come up with a game-plan together. Sometimes it can be more productive to do this after the fact. If your child is already stressed and angry, their limbic or emotional brain will prevent their pre-frontal cortex, the thinking part of their brains, from being able to analyze or think clearly. They find it hard to see through their red mist (as will you!).<\/p>\n 4. Your boundaries are their boundaries – Setting limits together<\/strong><\/p>\n Clear rules and boundaries are essential. Sit down with your SWC and write or draw a list of what the important rules are.<\/strong> Choose wisely and selectively. More than 10 key rules may drive you both nuts. It\u2019s important to strike a balance between limits and restricting your child\u2019s growth and discovery. Involving them in the decision-making process means they\u2019re invested in the process and empowered at the same time.<\/p>\n To avoid having to use commands to remind of the limits set, you could establish a secret code<\/strong> to communicate. Passionate SWCs are often loud. I use a volume scale<\/strong> to help my son adjust how loud he is. 5 fingers (volume 5) is the loudest (often too loud), 3 is perfect, 1 is a whisper. I can hold up my fingers; he can spot this and also save face in front of others who don\u2019t understand the code.<\/p>\n Schedules<\/strong> can be really helpful. Draw up a schedule together so that your child knows what happens when. This avoids constant repetition of commands; sometimes you can just point to the schedule; sometimes you can refer to it verbally without using a command \u201cbed-time is 7pm on the schedule\u201d or \u201cin our house we decided lunch-time is at 12.30\u201d; sometimes your child will just get on with it herself, knowing that they were part of the decision-making process and are doing the \u201cright thing\u201d at the \u201cright time.\u201d<\/p>\n 5. Their call – Giving them choices<\/strong><\/p>\n Being part of the decision-making process helps your SWC to feel in charge. You know that you don\u2019t want them to have more than 3 candy-canes (!), offer them the choice of 3 or 2. They\u2019re going to pick 3. If they\u2019re refusing to leave the playground, offer them the choice of leaving in 5 or 10 minutes. \u201c10 minutes calmly? Great. Let\u2019s shake on it…\u201d<\/p>\n This is happy boundary setting without commands. If that doesn\u2019t work, recruit them again to help solve the problem: \u201cWhat would make it easier for you to leave the playground? What would you really like to do before we leave?\u201d<\/p>\n 6. Big feelings – Helping them to name their emotions<\/strong><\/p>\n Big emotions often go hand in hand with a strong will. Your child feels things intensely. To co-operate with and trust you, your child needs to know that you understand her. <\/strong>When they\u2019re turning everything into a fight, it can be incredibly difficult, but try to validate her feelings by expressing that you understand why she\u2019s acting or has acted the way she has.<\/p>\n I find that phrasing this as \u201cI wonder if\u201d<\/strong> or \u201cCould it be\u201d helps to avoid seeming as if you\u2019re assuming you know exactly what your child\u2019s feeling. Otherwise I sometimes find myself in \u201cyou always think you\u2019re right; you can\u2019t see inside my head\u201d territory\u2026 so\u2026<\/p>\n \u201cI wonder if you\u2019re feeling worried that you won\u2019t be able to do your homework.\u201d Or \u201cYou really want that ice-cream, I wonder if you\u2019re feeling very disappointed right now.\u201d<\/p>\n Then you can move onto trying to find a solution together.<\/p>\n \u201cWhy do you think it isn\u2019t ice-cream time right now?\u201d<\/p>\n They might reply with a \u201cbecause you\u2019re stupid.\u201d That\u2019s happened to me.<\/p>\n Try \u201cMaybe\u2026 I am having trouble figuring this out. We need to eat lunch before our ice-cream so we don\u2019t get sick. What could we do to figure this out?\u201d<\/p>\n Switch your ego off. It\u2019s OK not to engage in a battle of words and move on.<\/p>\n 7. Hands off! Learning by doing and being in charge of their own body<\/strong><\/p>\n Strong-willed kids are experiential learners. They\u2019ll learn for themselves by experimentation and discovery. I had to grit my teeth and hold myself back when my daughter wanted to put salt on her cornflakes and lick that snail, but she never did it again! \u201cHands off,\u201d<\/strong> is something I often repeat to myself when I want to intervene. Same thing with that coat. Unless she\u2019s going to be in genuine danger, I let my daughter be in charge of her body. If she doesn\u2019t want to put the coat on, that\u2019s OK. She\u2019ll put it on if she feels cold\u2026 eventually! This is also teaching her that she\u2019s the boss when it comes to her body, not anyone else.<\/p>\n I\u2019ve learned to accept that sometimes my daughter wears her coat and sometimes she doesn\u2019t. No tactic works all of the time. She hasn\u2019t caught pneumonia yet and leaving the house no longer involves a battle. It feels like the festive season might be a bit more festive this year. Bring on the snow!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Ahhh. Winter is here. Don\u2019t you just love this time of year? Excitement about the holiday is growing; stores transform into glittering grottoes of promise; there\u2019s a freshness in the air\u2026 wait a minute\u2026 a freshness in the air\u2026 uh-oh, dropping temperatures can mean only one thing; my kids are going to need to wear … Read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5128,"featured_media":60903,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[135,531],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-60782","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-gozen-anxiety-relief","category-parents","no-featured-image-padding"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/gozen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/60782","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/gozen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/gozen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gozen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/5128"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gozen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=60782"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/gozen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/60782\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gozen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/60903"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/gozen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=60782"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gozen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=60782"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gozen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=60782"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\nMY 4 YEAR-OLD:<\/strong> Don\u2019t need one.
\nME:<\/strong> It\u2019s really cold outside\u2026
\nMY 4 YEAR-OLD:<\/strong> Don\u2019t need one.
\nME:<\/strong> You do need one. It\u2019s really cold.
\nMY 4 YEAR-OLD:<\/strong> No.
\nME:<\/strong> You\u2019ll catch a cold if you go outside without a coat.
\nMY 4 YEAR-OLD:<\/strong> Don\u2019t care.
\nME:<\/strong> OK, we need to go now. Put. On. Your. Coat.
\nMY 4 YEAR-OLD:<\/strong> No.
\nME:<\/strong> Yes.
\nMY 4 YEAR-OLD:<\/strong> Don\u2019t want to.
\nME:<\/strong> Well, you have to…
\nMY 4 YEAR-OLD:<\/strong> No!
\nME:<\/strong> PUT IT ON OR WE\u2019RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE!!!
\nMY 4 YEAR-OLD:<\/strong> Shouts a lot then possibly cries,
\n<\/em>ME:<\/strong> Shouts a lot then possibly cries too. Swiftly followed by regret, guilt and Bad Parent Syndrome (BPS).<\/em><\/p>\n<\/a><\/p>\n
\nYOU:<\/strong> You don\u2019t want to do your homework
\nSWC:<\/strong> No. Homework\u2019s boring.
\nYOU:<\/strong> You find homework boring.
\nSWC:<\/strong> Yes. It\u2019s math. Math is hard.<\/p>\n<\/a><\/p>\n<\/a><\/p>\n<\/a><\/p>\n<\/a><\/p>\n<\/a><\/p>\n<\/a><\/p>\n