{"id":37369,"date":"2018-04-19T16:54:58","date_gmt":"2018-04-19T20:54:58","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/gozen.com\/?p=37369"},"modified":"2025-08-12T18:13:48","modified_gmt":"2025-08-12T22:13:48","slug":"5-things-you-should-never-say-to-an-anxious-child","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/gozen.com\/5-things-you-should-never-say-to-an-anxious-child\/","title":{"rendered":"5 Things You Should Never Say to an Anxious Child"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

I wanted to sleep with a bat under my pillow. It was plastic; nonetheless, it was a weapon. I was 5 years old, and I firmly believed that each night when I went to sleep, a robber would break into the house. I needed something to defend myself (and maybe my family), and my brother\u2019s yellow Wiffle ball bat seemed ideal. Unfortunately, my parents never complied with my request.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

They didn\u2019t understand why I was so worried. After all, there was no logical evidence to support my anxiety: our neighborhood was safe, we had never experienced a break-in, and we had a security alarm to alert us of any danger. But who said anxiety was logical? It\u2019s generally not. Actually, let\u2019s back up. Who said what I was experiencing was \u201canxiety\u201d?<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Anxiety is a word that I use now, based on personal and professional hindsight. Back then, as far as my parents and I were concerned, I was simply prone to a bit of extra worry. None of us understood that my fearful thoughts were actually provoking a real nervous system response.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

So how did my loving parents deal with my countless \u201cwhat if\u201d questions? \u201cWhat if we get robbed?\u201d \u201cWhat if we forget to turn the alarm on?\u201d \u201cWhat if we leave the door unlocked?\u201d \u201cWhat if the robber finds my room?\u201d How did they handle it when I knocked on their door at two o\u2019clock in the morning, asking to go downstairs to check the lock once more for good measure?<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

My parents\u2019 first line of defense was always reassurance. The next strategy involved invoking my logic. When all else failed, which it often did, they (understandably) became frustrated and sometimes expressed it.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n

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Please know that my parents are amazing. They always supported me, but they didn\u2019t really understand what I was going through at the time. It took me a couple of decades to figure it out and to find ways to help alleviate my worries.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

To help other families going through something similar, I want to point out five phrases that were said to me out of great love yet were unable to help me when I was in the throes of anxiety. Knowing what I know now, I\u2019ll also tell you what I wish I could\u2019ve expressed to my parents. Finally, I\u2019ll present some alternative ways to help a child experiencing anxiety. Here\u2019s that list:<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

1. Mommy said, \u201cIt\u2019s going to be OK. Trust me.\u201d<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

I wish I could have said, \u201cMommy, I know you\u2019re trying to make me feel better, but my mind is telling me the opposite: \u2018It\u2019s NOT going to be OK.\u2019 And my body seems to be responding to my mind. My heart is racing, my palms are sweating, and my tummy feels funny. It\u2019s hard for your loving words to overpower what\u2019s happening inside of me.\u201d<\/i><\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here\u2019s what we know: The stress response<\/span> is hardwired into our nervous system as a protective mechanism devised to enact the fight-or-flight reaction to threats. Anxiety mimics this response. As such, when your child is knee-deep in anxiety, a rapid stream of chemicals is dumped into the body for survival. This makes it difficult to think clearly and, subsequently, for words of reassurance to sink in.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Try this:<\/strong> Respond to your child\u2019s nervous system first. Help them calm down<\/a> with deep breathing. This can take the mind and body from fight-or-flight to rest-and-digest mode.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

2. Daddy said, \u201cThere\u2019s nothing to be scared of.\u201d<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

I wish I could have said, \u201cDaddy, remember the first time you asked mommy out on a date? Remember your first day at a new job? Or remember the time when you got in that bike accident? Maybe your parents knew everything was going to be OK, too, but you didn\u2019t know that. You experienced real fear. My fear is real, too.\u201d<\/i><\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here\u2019s what we know: Research<\/span><\/a> shows anxiety initiates a fear alarm inside your child\u2019s mind and body. It\u2019s a false alarm, but nevertheless, it feels very real. That alarm is for protection; your child feels \u201cstress\u201d or \u201cfear\u201d in order to survive. To make sure one is really paying attention, the mind might even exaggerate the object of the worry (e.g., mistaking a stick for a snake).<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Try this:<\/strong> Validate your child\u2019s emotions. You can say, \u201cI see that you\u2019re scared. I\u2019ve been scared before, too, and I know what that feels like.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

3. Mommy said, \u201cLet me tell you all the reasons you don\u2019t have to worry.\u201d<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

I wish I could have said, \u201cMommy, I know that what you\u2019re saying makes sense. It\u2019s just that it\u2019s hard to think clearly and logically in this moment. I have a lot of feelings right now and I\u2019m just focusing on those. It\u2019s just really hard to think clearly.\u201d<\/i><\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here\u2019s what we know: Studies<\/span><\/a> show one by-product of the anxiety response is that the prefrontal cortex \u2014 the more logical part of the brain \u2014 gets put on hold while the more automated emotional brain takes over. After all, cave people didn\u2019t have a lot of time to use logic when it came to running away or fighting a predator.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Try this: <\/strong>Soothe the nervous system with a visualization exercise. Ask your child to envision a still, quiet place. Ask them to breathe in and out in a way that\u2019s comfortable and to describe this place to you. Once your child is calm, discuss the idea that feelings are not necessarily facts. Feelings can be challenged by saying, \u201cHey, I don\u2019t think you\u2019re really true!\u201d Self-disputation is a great way to quell worry.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

4. Daddy shouted, \u201cSTOP BEING SUCH A WORRIER!\u201d<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

I wish I could have said, \u201cDaddy, I know that you\u2019re frustrated and even angry. This makes me feel so bad because I want to stop being a worrier; I really do. I want it to stop, but I just don\u2019t know how. I wish I knew how.\u201d<\/i><\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here\u2019s what we know: Kids who worry know that they worry more than others because they are labeled as \u201cworriers\u201d from a young age. They also compare themselves to others who have less anxious reactions to the same fears. In fact, many kids develop anxiety about having anxiety. Add on a dose of guilt from parents, and kids can feel completely miserable. Remember, kids often feel as helpless as adults do when it comes to chronic worry.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Try this: <\/strong>To the best of your ability, do not label your child. Instead, when they\u2019re in a relaxed state, explain the evolutionary basis of worry. Seriously? Yes! Kids love to know that worry has a purpose and that everyone worries to some extent. You can use this infographic<\/a> to guide your explanation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

5. Mommy and daddy said, \u201cWe don\u2019t understand why you\u2019re so worried.\u201d<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

I wish I could have said, \u201cI know you don\u2019t understand, but I need you to try. I need you to try to understand what I\u2019m going through. Put your hand on my racing heart, listen to my shallow breath, look at me… this is real. I want you to understand. I need you to understand. Please tell me you get it. Please.\u201d<\/i><\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here\u2019s what we know: When a child is anxious, they feel scared and helpless. If you also feel helpless as a parent, empathy can help guide your actions. By stepping into your child\u2019s shoes and understanding their feelings and perspectives, your reaction to their needs will be more authentic and in line with their needs.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Try this:<\/b> When your child feels anxious, try to recall a time when you felt true fear. Then connect with your child using these three words: \u201cI get it.\u201d Let your child know that you see that they are going through something challenging. Let your child know that you really see them.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

On a final note, I wanted to say something to my parents and to all parents on behalf of anxious children: \u201cWe, too, get it. We understand what you sacrifice for us. We know that our pain and struggle become your own. We know that even on the days you feel completely helpless, you still try to support us \u2014 and you do. By never losing faith and never giving up, you are our models of grit and perseverance. Thank you.\u201d<\/i><\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Try this:<\/strong> Get 9 more powerful tips on how to help your anxious child through our one-hour FREE masterclass available for the next few weeks at multiple times.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Take the free class now!<\/a><\/div>\n\n\n\n
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In this class you will learn:<\/p>\n\n\n\n