Helping Kids Control What They Can (and Let Go of What They Can’t)

Original GoZen! Song: Focus on What Matters

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Too much homework. Rainy days that spoil outdoor plans. Unkind behavior from others. Strict rules.

Life doesn’t always go the way kids want it to. While there’s not much they can do to change that, their frustrated reactions suggest they’re feeling something very personal.

“That’s not fair!” “I can’t believe this is happening!” “Nothing goes right for me!”

It’s really difficult for kids to understand the difference between things that can be controlled and things you just need to live with. However, while we can’t always fix the world’s unfairness, what we can do is teach our kids the vital skill of recognizing how to change what they can—and how to handle the rest. Here are three simple steps to help your child understand the difference.

Step 1: Teach the Difference with Examples

Kids don’t always have a clear understanding of what’s within their power and what’s not. Start by using examples they can relate to. For instance, “Can you control how your teacher grades your essay?” (No.) “But can you control how much time and effort you put into the essay?” (Yes!) Or how about, “Can you control how others treat you?” (No.) “But can you control how you respond or treat them?” (Yes!)

You can also bring it back to everyday situations: “Can you control whether it rains tomorrow?” (No.) “But can you control how you’ll dress for the weather?” (Yes!) Helping your kids see the difference with small, clear examples allows them to better grasp the bigger picture of control.

Step 2: Focus on Effort, Not Outcomes

Sometimes, kids get stuck in a loop of worrying about the end result. “What if I don’t win the game?” or “What if I don’t get picked for the team?” Instead of focusing on the outcomes—often beyond their control—teach them to focus on what they can control: their effort.

Encourage your child by saying, “You can’t control whether you win, but you can control whether you’re a good teammate.” This helps shift their mindset to value their attitude, effort, and hard work, rather than just the final outcome. It’s about reinforcing that how they approach challenges is what matters most.

Step 3: Help Them Let Go of What’s Beyond Their Control

This is a tough one, even for adults, but learning to let go of what’s out of our hands is a crucial life skill. When your child is upset about something they can’t change, help them refocus by asking, “Is there anything you can do about this right now?” If the answer is no, help them think about a positive action they can take—like a fun distraction, taking a different perspective, or thinking about something else they’re excited about.

Teaching kids to recognize what they can control and let go of what they can’t empowers them to face challenges with resilience. It’s a lesson they can carry for life!